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| And so the revival of Xanga will commence.
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| Is it really 1:21 AM?
Aye, this is the truth. And though it has been a long while since I had any sort of a real update, I plan to digress into a good, thoughtful entry. Finally.
I'll begin with a short recap of the Canada vacation: beaches. food. sleeping. family. reading. And that's basically all. Quite relaxing, but after 32 hours of driving (on the way home, it only took 26 or so to get there, don't ask me how) I debate whether it was justifiable. Of course, spending time with the family up there is great, because they're such fun people. I guess I just wish they lived closer. Though the island did provide for some good photo opportunities (which I took advantage of, believe you me).
So I haven't really been myself lately. Depressed, no... Bored? Nah, I'd more label it as questioning. No, I'm not a homosexual. More like faith, life, friends, relationships, and the future. Things you shouldn't worry about. Girls have a big problem with that: worrying. Normally I can roll with the punches better than anyone, but not so recently. The trip to Canada provided some new experiences for me, and I was effected in ways I don't fully understand. God. My Savior... yeah, I think so. But how can you be sure? I've talked to my mom in the past, and she has no doubt that God exists. Me though, I fail to see the proof as clearly. It's a generational thing, mostly. Not the way our parents raised us, but the way we raised ourselves. Growing up alongside my generation has led me to question basically everything. Normally I can come up with so reasonable answer, but again, not so as of late. My main concern with God is that I have yet to be effected by speaking to Him. Prayer is supposed to be communication with God. It's supposed to be intimate, personal, spirtual, sacred, strong. But I really only find myself "praying" when I find myself in two situations. Either in trouble because I've made a mistake and fear the consequences, or I've done something good that I can thank God for. Surely I should speak to Him more than the times I'm frustrated or elated? Wouldn't the Creator be more interested in my true feelings, like what I'm writing right now? Or would He? After all, he is the Creator. Certainly He has more important things to do that to read through the blog of one confused teenager...
I'd like to visit the Congo. The Poisonwood Bible has influenced me in ways beyond what I'm willing to confess here. Apparently, I'm highly subject to what I read. Books have drastically shaped my opinions. I'm still deciding whether I approve of this revelation or not, and what I plan on doing about it. Books are simply meant to entertain, or invoke questions. I don't believe they should convince people of the author's opinion, though they should accurately relay facts, and the has every right to decide which facts to relay. As such, my opinion is double-edged: the author should not be able to instill his ideas on his readers, but though means of transferring accurate information, the author does exactly that. It is a difficult paradox. How should I approach such an issue? Books are meant to share knowledge. And knowledge improves a person. Though not always.
It really depends on the person. Individuals must be able to decide for themselves what they wish to believe. I suppose everyone knows that. Is it such a revelation? Probably not. Though the way I've explained it may be different. Probably more complex than it ever needed to be.
So back to God. On the island, we discussed religions in general. Can on make any sort of decision that is life altering without appropriate knowledge of any religion that may concern them? How can I be so sure of my own religion when there are Hindus, Muslims, Buhdists, and countless other followings that have stronger faith than I? As Adah questions in "That Damned African Book," what is religion really based upon? Can I really make a decision of what faith I want to base my life on simply because I was born into a Christian family? Should I really base my life on the impossible scales that weigh my birth here against someplace else?
Is faith anything more than fear?
It is distinctly different, but does it share a common goal? I don't believe one can enter Heaven simply by fearing Hell. Christ says the only way is through Him. Does accepting Christ to avoid death count as belief? Can on enter Heaven simply by refusing to stay on Earth after death? Is that fair? I think not. Faith should be the foundation of any judgement. Faltering faith, or faith based upon fear should not be considered the same as those who truly trust in God. Though that statement has effectively taken me out of any chance in Heaven.
Am I anything more that a brain? My body is simply the means by which my brain interacts with the world. Suppose there was no body? What would I lose? Touch? Taste? Speech, sight, hearing? Are they really losses? My mind is what is truly important, for it is the center by which all these senses come together and are made valuable. Without the brain, there is no mind. Without the body, there may well still be a brain. And the brain, being the house of the mind, is as such the human. For this reason, I consider myself nothing more than a brain. Is my body actually valuable? In this life I suppose, yes. But beyond its usefulness on earth, a human's body is actually cumbersome, I'd imagine. Being that earth is wholly corrupt, I'm ready to shed myself of this skin. Or am I? Life is very precious to me. I can't deny my desire to survive. Vitality compels me. Instinct guides me. Life drives me forward, despite.
How can one end one's life? Surely the brain cannot decide to end itself. A computer cannot voluntarily end itself. Is there any difference between a human and a machine such as a computer beyond the decision making process? Human relations is simply decisions of the mind of two or more people. Any and all interaction that humans achieve can be simulated on a computer, though not as accurately. Creation will never be as good as the Creator, I presume, and as such, computers can never achieve humanity. Computers cannot think for themselves, unless someone has programmed them to do so. As such, the only difference between man and machine is the capability to make decisions without any knowledge of the circumstances. A computer can only judge and make decisions when it receives variables with which to argue. Humans, however, can make such decisions without any prior knowledge. For repetition purposes: human's are capable of "first-thought." Computers are reduced to "variable-judgement."
Self-control. My how people lack it. Myself, I may just have too much. Am I that restricted? Can I not allow myself to expand on emotion? Oh, but I have. Crossed borders set by myself, and continued forward. Presumably denying the steps I've taken, or at least not shining any light upon them. The way back is gone, though new countries exist to explore. Shall I? Controversial, to say the least. It bothers me, the way I am supposed to ignore comments. How can I? Am I not capable of making my own decisions? Surely, as I've just discussed, I can judge for myself my own desires? Whether they are right remains to be foretold. But should I not make the decisions myself, rather than the comments of my peers? I seem to be only just realizing that I am my own person. Yes, I can be wacky. And generally I'm always outgoing, or at least loud. Friendly, personable, and a good listener. But unsure of myself constantly? It doesn't seem to go too well together, this extra-intro-vertedness. What can I do though? I am self-conscious, and yet I don't can what people think of me. Am I myself a paradox? Such questions are futile. There is no appropriate answer; nothing can accurately explain the truth. Patience, patience. In the end, won't all things be made known?
And so I come to a close. Yet there is more. Buried below, down far enough to be concealed, there is more. Why? Why must people have feelings that they cannot discuss? Would the world be better if people did not withhold themselves? I doubt it. There would not be peace, but rather there would be jealousy. There would be defeat. Embarrassment. Harassment. Frustration. Perhaps people are more open that I thought. Does anyone else have the desire to rule a nation? To overthrow corruption and bring about harmony? I suppose great ambitions are only natural, but what about vivid imagery? Is it just as natural for a person to desire greatness as it is for them to perceive it? To achieve it? Surely there is restrictions on those who can have success with their desires. How are they chosen? Why can everyone not have one chance to make a decision that affects millions? Of course, this is absurd. Placing the lives of millions into the hands of a person who can make only one decision with be jeopardizing to everyone. Yet everyone desires just such a situation, correct? Is this wrong? Another paradox, I presume. And yet my yearning for global prowess continues.
And such are the complexities of my mind at what now appears to be 2:04 AM. 40 minutes of rambling, 15 minutes of music. 1 minute of comfort, of calm. A restless mind is a mind a work. A mind at work is at a distance from the threat of evil.
So they say.
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picture yourself
mind like a switchblade
heart doubled over in pain
you let your body overflow
hide your instinct good and deep
as the world just goes to hell
throw my clothes out in the street
and hang me on your wall
cause everyone’s in ecstasy
underneath it all
and everybody’s lonely
no one there at all
but is anybody happy
or is it just the alcohol?
i don’t know, i don’t know
all i really know is
i don’t know, i don’t know
now your sisters have gone, one by one
one took jesus, one took the gun
and each song leads to one more song
the future on your back
i guess i should feel lucky just to
get to be your past
and i never saw your world come down,
that familiar sound.
and i never thought you would pull me down,
that the world would pull me down.
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| So we lost.
And it's my fault, mainly.
bastages...
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